The Struggle

So the first couple weeks at the job haven't exactly been grand, and I've finally figured out why. First of all, I knew coming in that I was their third choice, the first two having said no because their other jobs fought to keep them. Other than a slight ego-bruising, I didn't mind this fact too much because, hey, it was a job. And the timing of getting the job was exactly what I needed it to be to get through some issues and such. But when I started the job, I found out that one of the two temps who had been doing my job and the other guy's job had been offered my job and turned it down (she's trying to move and thought she was going to be able to do so right when they offered her the job; turned out she couldn't move then). So by then it wasn't that I was their third choice - I actually never would've been interviewed if the temp had taken the job.

Now I'm beginning to feel like I have to be perfect and prove that hiring me was a good idea. That really sucks since I had just gotten to the root of my perfectionism this summer and was starting to dismantle it and work on telling myself that I'm only human and therefore mistakes are inevitable. Add in Bitch PM's scolding yesterday (I forgot to mention that she actually gestured me back into my seat when I stood up to go correct the problem before she had finished her little lecture), and the fact that I haven't really been trained and I've gotten odd, figure-this-system-out-and-apply-it-to-a-whole-room projects, and I'm feeling the axe swinging somewhere already. I feel like a sore thumb in an otherwise healthy hand. I'm having a meeting with my manager about goals for the next year, and we've finally settled on a who's doing what and let's get everyone trained system, so things should be better in the next month, if not sooner. Still, it's making for a bumpy beginning, especially when I was just getting into a writing groove and looking forward to being unemployed for a few more months. Makes me pretty grouchy, almost as bad as Oscar in his trash can. Almost.