Rejected Novel Dedication #7

To my beloved cat, Scritch:

I can has keebord now?

KTHX!

Rejected Novel Dedication #6

[I thought it would be fun to get back to this feature. I don't know if it'll be a regular installment, or just something I do whenever I get the inspiration and/or feel like being pithy.]

To all the esteemed reviewers who panned my previous novel:

It sold 175,000 copies and earned me my third million.

Ha.

By all means, trash this one, too.

Rejected Novel Dedication #5

To my muse:

I saw you smile and had to write a lengthy scene to describe the beauty of that expression. (See pg. 4)

I saw you laugh and had to write witty dialog worthy of such a marvelous sound. (See pg. 10)

I saw you cry and had to write a tragic moment to explain away your tears. (See pg. 75)

I saw you with Henry and had to write a damsel-in-distress scene to rescue you from his foul grip. (See pg. 148)

I saw you with Henry again and had to write a twist-ending. (See pg. 342)

I saw you move into Henry's apartment and had to write a proposal for a gritty thriller, which my agent sold to a major publishing house in a six-book deal.

Thanks for all the inspiration.

Rejected Novel Dedication #4

To the upstanding citizens of Springfield:

Thanks for not pressing charges. As you can clearly see in the following pages, the time travel agency I set up on Main Street was purely for research purposes. I apologize for any misunderstandings, but my work ethic required me to keep the agency seeming as genuine as possible. Please accept my gift of personalized, signed editions of this novel as tokens of my appreciation and as a symbol of my sincere regrets that so many skeletons were tossed out of closets during the affair.

By opening the box of books, you waive all rights to sue me.

Rejected Novel Dedication #3

To God:

Thank you for giving me the ability to fulfill my dream of writing this novel.

Next time, do you think you could make it happen a little faster, with cover art that's a little less chartreuse, and with cover copy that doesn't give away the ending?

Rejected Novel Dedication #2

For an upcoming erotic fiction book:

To You.

No, Cedric. Not you.

Not you either, Jeff.

Dennis? Are you kidding me? Never you.

And, George, you may think you're all that and a bag of chips, but, let me tell you, that was the most boring two minutes of my life. Puh-lease.

Rejected Novel Dedication #1

For _______, who vowed to do everything in her power to keep my books from being published.

Hope you enjoy this, my tenth novel!