A couple of years ago, I received some training to be a director of a barbershop harmony chorus. Most of this training was "on-the-job" and resulted in me actually directing a song during a concert and at several more informal performances. In addition to bobbing my hands in the right rhythm and such to get the chorus from the beginning to the end of the song in the manner I wanted, I also had to listen for bad vowel sounds, slurred words, non-blended notes, bad notes, tempo issues, etc. The experience instilled in me a tendency to wince when I hear such issues on the radio. This is why I love bands that have a great sound without sacrificing vocal quality.
Blue October is one such band. I cannot express the utter glee I feel when I hear the song "What If We Could" and can bask in the amazing ability of a singer to use the words "meet you" without it sounding like "me chew." Justin Furstenfeld has an amazing voice, and the man can enunciate and have good round vowels and perfect dipthongs without sounding pretentious, without sounding like he's working at it. When he does flatten a vowel or otherwise wander away from good vocals, it's because there's something going on with the song that requires a harsh or dissonant sound. For example, during one of my absolute favorite tracks on Foiled, "Congratulations," at one point the words come out as if through clenched teeth, which makes perfect sense because the lyrics indicate he's sad he missed his chance to say how he really felt about a person, and now he's trying to tell this person he's happy for her in her new relationship.
There are many great things about Blue October's vocals, but it makes me beyond happy to hear words that are clear. In fact, the words are so clear in what they are that you actually get a chance to ponder what they mean. The lyrics are often like poetry: images and phrasings and combinations of words that describe something beyond their literal expression. This makes listening to them both a pleasure and a challenge, for me at least. Poetry has never been one of my strong suits. However, I can take cues for understanding the lyrics in the way the vocals are presented and in the music itself. And let me tell you how much fun that is. The music in and of itself is great, but if you want to go deeper, you can. Plus, you don't have silly things like random, superfluous notes or wince-inducing vowels and consonant combos to distract you.
Now, if only other great bands would follow this example. I'm thinking in particular of Depeche Mode and Garbage. They've got such a great sound, but then they do the standard "me chew" instead of "meet you" crap that throws me right out their music. I've tried to ignore it, honestly, but after those few months of directing barbershop, it's impossible. I can't shut down that part of my hearing. Unfortunately.
Showing posts with label singing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label singing. Show all posts
Friday, June 16, 2006
Thursday, January 15, 2004
A Tale of Shenanigans
I've tried to map out what I would post about this group. And more and more memories keep popping up. From the first time I saw the group perform until I got an email informing me that the group had gone bankrupt and was disbanding. Not quite the full span of my four years at Notre Dame, but very close. No matter what I think about the group and all the folks I sang and danced with in it, Shenanigans shaped my college experience.
This group took me to Florida for Spring Break my freshman year. There I got to rub shoulders with several important alumni and hang out with the Glee Club a bit as our Spring Break tours had some overlap (Shenanigans was created by several Glee Club members in 1980-ish). Because of Shenanigans, I sang solo and dueted a couple times - extremely nerve-wracking the first time, fun after that. As the group's treasurer for nearly two years, I got to see the inner workings of Notre Dame - right down to the bureaucratic red tape just to sell burgers before a football game. I also spent a decent amount of time with the President of the Alumni Association (a Big Deal, trust me) because he, through some odd trick dating back to the group's formation, was our club's sponsor and had to sign paperwork and approve things as such. Shenanigans also gave me two out of the three non-senior-portrait pictures I have in all of the four yearbooks I received while at ND (the third being one of me and my roomie playing video games; it was taken by a guy I was dating at the time who happened to be on the yearbook staff). The club also gave me a reason to hang out on campus for a week after finals because we performed for the seniors and their families during the week before graduation. And all that singing and dancing provided a nice break from my studies and kept me fit.
However, Shenanigans had the "Gay" stigma. After all, only fags would want to sing and dance, right? It didn't help the stereotype that a year or two before I arrived saw the outing of two men in the club. Thus we were a bit of a laughing stock with the student body. Thus we didn't get a whole lot of folks auditioning for the group. Thus we had to choose (among the men who tried out) from "decent voice, manageable rhythm" and "voice we can't mask, rhythm we can't hide" and a few shades in between. Thus my second year in the group we became all women for a semester. This was the same year that I took over being treasurer of the group and had to plan our Spring Break Tour (which was supposed to pay for itself and give us a profit besides). This responsibility put me in the Alumni Pres's office quite a bit - and gave me the disappointment of hearing that The Powers That Be frowned on an all-girls group going on a trip. In short, we had to cancel our Spring Break Tour that year. I was furious, indignant, and crushed at the time. Crushed because I hadn't believed that such a gender issue would rear its head among such people.
Remember that Spring Break Tour to Florida I mentioned above? That's also the trip where a Glee Clubber whom I hardly knew told me that I was a flighty bimbo (and other things) because I had only painted my big toe nail that day and my sandals displayed the quirk. That's also the trip where I learned the hard way why the halter top dresses we wore when performing required a safety pin to hold the halter top straps together (long story short: I nearly flashed the audience after standing up from a bow - thank God for long hair).
That last moment alone should taint my memories of the group, but let's not forget my fellow Shenanigans. The women were great. Except the one who wouldn't listen to my treasurer's advice and bankrupted the group shortly after I quit. The men provided me with two of my more assholish of exes, a dance partner who reeked of alcohol during every Sunday morning practice, another dance partner who couldn't dance and ended up wrecking me knee (seriously, I had to skip out on that year's Spring Break Tour in order to go home and have surgery), the only man who ever intentionally got me drunk (he then proceeded to give me unwanted kisses as he walked me home, a fact which sobered me enough to tell him I'd yell "rape" if he tried it again; he stopped), a stalker, and two great guys who are like older brothers to me still.
And if I had to do it all over again, I would still join the group. I would make different decisions about who I trusted in the group and who I dated, but I would be in the group all the same. Now, off I go to find some candy to get the taste of that near strip-tease out of my mouth.
This group took me to Florida for Spring Break my freshman year. There I got to rub shoulders with several important alumni and hang out with the Glee Club a bit as our Spring Break tours had some overlap (Shenanigans was created by several Glee Club members in 1980-ish). Because of Shenanigans, I sang solo and dueted a couple times - extremely nerve-wracking the first time, fun after that. As the group's treasurer for nearly two years, I got to see the inner workings of Notre Dame - right down to the bureaucratic red tape just to sell burgers before a football game. I also spent a decent amount of time with the President of the Alumni Association (a Big Deal, trust me) because he, through some odd trick dating back to the group's formation, was our club's sponsor and had to sign paperwork and approve things as such. Shenanigans also gave me two out of the three non-senior-portrait pictures I have in all of the four yearbooks I received while at ND (the third being one of me and my roomie playing video games; it was taken by a guy I was dating at the time who happened to be on the yearbook staff). The club also gave me a reason to hang out on campus for a week after finals because we performed for the seniors and their families during the week before graduation. And all that singing and dancing provided a nice break from my studies and kept me fit.
However, Shenanigans had the "Gay" stigma. After all, only fags would want to sing and dance, right? It didn't help the stereotype that a year or two before I arrived saw the outing of two men in the club. Thus we were a bit of a laughing stock with the student body. Thus we didn't get a whole lot of folks auditioning for the group. Thus we had to choose (among the men who tried out) from "decent voice, manageable rhythm" and "voice we can't mask, rhythm we can't hide" and a few shades in between. Thus my second year in the group we became all women for a semester. This was the same year that I took over being treasurer of the group and had to plan our Spring Break Tour (which was supposed to pay for itself and give us a profit besides). This responsibility put me in the Alumni Pres's office quite a bit - and gave me the disappointment of hearing that The Powers That Be frowned on an all-girls group going on a trip. In short, we had to cancel our Spring Break Tour that year. I was furious, indignant, and crushed at the time. Crushed because I hadn't believed that such a gender issue would rear its head among such people.
Remember that Spring Break Tour to Florida I mentioned above? That's also the trip where a Glee Clubber whom I hardly knew told me that I was a flighty bimbo (and other things) because I had only painted my big toe nail that day and my sandals displayed the quirk. That's also the trip where I learned the hard way why the halter top dresses we wore when performing required a safety pin to hold the halter top straps together (long story short: I nearly flashed the audience after standing up from a bow - thank God for long hair).
That last moment alone should taint my memories of the group, but let's not forget my fellow Shenanigans. The women were great. Except the one who wouldn't listen to my treasurer's advice and bankrupted the group shortly after I quit. The men provided me with two of my more assholish of exes, a dance partner who reeked of alcohol during every Sunday morning practice, another dance partner who couldn't dance and ended up wrecking me knee (seriously, I had to skip out on that year's Spring Break Tour in order to go home and have surgery), the only man who ever intentionally got me drunk (he then proceeded to give me unwanted kisses as he walked me home, a fact which sobered me enough to tell him I'd yell "rape" if he tried it again; he stopped), a stalker, and two great guys who are like older brothers to me still.
And if I had to do it all over again, I would still join the group. I would make different decisions about who I trusted in the group and who I dated, but I would be in the group all the same. Now, off I go to find some candy to get the taste of that near strip-tease out of my mouth.
Friday, January 09, 2004
Not Alone
Came home to a plethora of magazines stuffing our mailbox. A couple outdoorsy things (we like to see what they say about National Parks we plan on visiting), a science one, and one from my alma mater. I usually read only one thing in my alma mater's magazine: the briefs on what members of each class are up to. I actually know the guy who writes the one for my class, which means he'll use more space for my update. I get a full three lines instead of the one line "Kellie Hazell was recently married" summary or somesuch. So I like to read what he's gleaned from the Class of 2000. This time, I remembered a few names but couldn't place a face to them. Or, in one case, I knew one name, but couldn't for the life of me remember who his soon-to-be-wife was, though her name looked familiar. I was curious enough to drag out the yearbook and refresh my memory. Which led to me skimming the entire magazine, looking for names I might remember. Or at the least the "00" notation that indicated a fellow classmate. And I stumbled across this article.
I'm pretty sure Mary Beth roomed with a fellow former Shenanigan (I hunted and hunted for a link, but the group went bankrupt and disbanded my senior year, taking all web traces of their existence with them in their demise, apparently; take home point: Shenanigansis was a singing and dancing ensemble, a show choir). And if I'm thinking of the right gal, then Mary Beth was one of our biggest fans, at all the concerts with posters and cheers and the general support we all too often lacked (for a whole mess of reasons, some good and some bad, most unfair). That's an odd mess of memories - the group brought some of my best and worst moments at Notre Dame. Actually, come to think of it, most of them were bad. Hmmm...methinks I need to post about my Shenanigans experience.
Anyway, I read Mary Beth's article and suddenly realized I'm not the only Domer floundering in a job light years away from where I'm "supposed" to be. I'm not the only alumnae who fudges the "profession" blank a wee bit in order to hide the awful truth. Although one form I think I might have checked "other" and written in capital letters "ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANT" just to see if I could piss anybody off or get my name removed from those donation mailing lists. And to make me feel even better, Mary Beth's got dreams of being a writer. She's also blonde with master's degree, working with a bunch of technical folks in a job that makes next to no use if any of her training. There the comparisons start to feel forced or diverge, so I suppose I'll stop. But it gave me a warm fuzzy all the same. I may write her an "I'm right there with ya, sistah" letter.
Another reason why I enjoyed my perusal of the ND Magazine: I found out that the infamous fan at the Cubs game who reached for the ball in left field was a Notre Dame grad (see the third bold name). Go Irish! I actually remember thinking about fellow Domers being at that game while I watched it on TV. It's a quick bus, car, train ride to Wrigley Field. I imagine some dorms even arranged treks to the Championship games. They did back when everyone was counting Sosa's HRs.
And there I go, getting all nostalgic. Which inevitably leads to dwelling on my resume and how woefully overqualified I am for my job. Which leads to remembering the dream I am chasing. And then I'm better. Until the next bout of nostalgia.
I'm pretty sure Mary Beth roomed with a fellow former Shenanigan (I hunted and hunted for a link, but the group went bankrupt and disbanded my senior year, taking all web traces of their existence with them in their demise, apparently; take home point: Shenanigans
Anyway, I read Mary Beth's article and suddenly realized I'm not the only Domer floundering in a job light years away from where I'm "supposed" to be. I'm not the only alumnae who fudges the "profession" blank a wee bit in order to hide the awful truth. Although one form I think I might have checked "other" and written in capital letters "ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANT" just to see if I could piss anybody off or get my name removed from those donation mailing lists. And to make me feel even better, Mary Beth's got dreams of being a writer. She's also blonde with master's degree, working with a bunch of technical folks in a job that makes next to no use if any of her training. There the comparisons start to feel forced or diverge, so I suppose I'll stop. But it gave me a warm fuzzy all the same. I may write her an "I'm right there with ya, sistah" letter.
Another reason why I enjoyed my perusal of the ND Magazine: I found out that the infamous fan at the Cubs game who reached for the ball in left field was a Notre Dame grad (see the third bold name). Go Irish! I actually remember thinking about fellow Domers being at that game while I watched it on TV. It's a quick bus, car, train ride to Wrigley Field. I imagine some dorms even arranged treks to the Championship games. They did back when everyone was counting Sosa's HRs.
And there I go, getting all nostalgic. Which inevitably leads to dwelling on my resume and how woefully overqualified I am for my job. Which leads to remembering the dream I am chasing. And then I'm better. Until the next bout of nostalgia.
Tuesday, November 25, 2003
Another End
Last night I officially took a leave of absence from my chorus. I said I'd be gone for a year and hoped to be back after that, but I don't know. Going back depends on how my writing is going. It wasn't all that hard to say last night, and most of the chorus didn't seem too surprised. They were extremely happy for me with my writing and eager to hear all about sending my submission to the agent. And, of course, they all want autographed first editions. Nothing was difficult about the night until I actually had my jacket on, my purse and bags in hand, and was walking out of our practice hall. That put a bit of a lump in my throat and made me look back over my shoulder with regret. It didn't last too long, though, as I realized that I was spinning the next scene I needed to work on for HD and would end up writing it that night. Writing on a Monday night? That's never happened before. And yet it happened last night. So leaving my chorus did hurt, but I've got to look at what I gained. More time to write, and a better attitude about writing now that I don't have the draining distraction of my chorus. I'm so energized about HD, that I'm even going to bring everything with me on our Turkey Day trip. I'm also going to see about writing in the car. I doubt that will happen, but I'm eager to try. So the ending of my chorus days - even if a temporary one - brought about a beginning or at least a refreshing new step in my writing. I can live with that.
Monday, November 17, 2003
Sick, Tired, the List Goes On
It's pretty ironic looking at the entries that are sitting on my blog right now. Well, before I post this, anyway. On Oct 28, I posted about how proud I was that I was taming my pontificating habit. Then on Nov 3, I posted about how I let loose in a thread on politics - I'm certain it was done in true pontificating fashion. On Nov 9, I posted about how I was going to start taking care of myself and my writing more now that I've, more or less, taken the last year to goof off about that stuff. And here I am today, posting about how sick I am and how busy I've been at work. God has to have a sense of humor. Otherwise irony wouldn't exist.
To give some impression of how busy work was last week, let's just say that I could've come into work for just 15 minutes on Friday, and I would've still logged 40 hours. Yeah. That busy. I pulled a twelve-hour day on Wednesday and came in on Thursday hopped up on cold drugs just so I could keep myself vertical. The good news: the reason for all that overtime is a two day meeting that is done. The bad news: I may have to do this all over again for another similar meeting in just a few weeks. While the overtime pay is nice, working myself into a nasty cold isn't. Everyone at work is concerned for my health, but it felt a little less heartfelt when I kept hearing things like, "You should go home and take care of yourself. But since you're here...." Which explains why I really couldn't take the days off I needed last week. The stuff I needed to do couldn't wait and was worked up in a bunch of background work I had already done, making it very difficult for someone to fill in for me.
Being sick wouldn't bother me so much except for the fact that I was unable to perform in my last barbershop concert for a while yesterday. I feel really bad missing that. But I slept through the entire time I would've been on stage, which should say a lot. In fact, writing this right now, I can't believe I'm at work. I thought I would be OK, given that I was at that stage where you really want to be active but know you still need the rest last night. I figured another night's sleep would do me some good and then I would be good to go today. Ha.
I was also going to send off the submission to the agent this weekend, which didn't happen. Nothing happened this weekend except a lot of sleep, a lot of coughing, a lot of blowing my nose, and a lot of watching movies. And now it feels like this week won't be too different. *sigh*
To give some impression of how busy work was last week, let's just say that I could've come into work for just 15 minutes on Friday, and I would've still logged 40 hours. Yeah. That busy. I pulled a twelve-hour day on Wednesday and came in on Thursday hopped up on cold drugs just so I could keep myself vertical. The good news: the reason for all that overtime is a two day meeting that is done. The bad news: I may have to do this all over again for another similar meeting in just a few weeks. While the overtime pay is nice, working myself into a nasty cold isn't. Everyone at work is concerned for my health, but it felt a little less heartfelt when I kept hearing things like, "You should go home and take care of yourself. But since you're here...." Which explains why I really couldn't take the days off I needed last week. The stuff I needed to do couldn't wait and was worked up in a bunch of background work I had already done, making it very difficult for someone to fill in for me.
Being sick wouldn't bother me so much except for the fact that I was unable to perform in my last barbershop concert for a while yesterday. I feel really bad missing that. But I slept through the entire time I would've been on stage, which should say a lot. In fact, writing this right now, I can't believe I'm at work. I thought I would be OK, given that I was at that stage where you really want to be active but know you still need the rest last night. I figured another night's sleep would do me some good and then I would be good to go today. Ha.
I was also going to send off the submission to the agent this weekend, which didn't happen. Nothing happened this weekend except a lot of sleep, a lot of coughing, a lot of blowing my nose, and a lot of watching movies. And now it feels like this week won't be too different. *sigh*
Monday, October 27, 2003
Where's My Routine?
Big changes always flip me upside down, shake the loose change and lint out of my pockets, and then steal my shoes for good measure. Just look at my blogging count for the month of October. Not good. But I think I may be getting back on track. I stumbled onto a routine that worked yesterday. I don't know if I'll be able to make it work again. But it made for a good day yesterday: Play video games; write 1300 words in neat short story idea while taking occasional breaks to play video games; revise fifty pages of Human Dignity. The really good news about Sunday's fun schedule is that it reminded me just how much I love to write. I think the key was to write a decent amount on a fun idea that I'm just playing with. That really got me warmed up and eager to revise HD.
And it also paved the way to re-energize me for Red Rocks. I haven't even opened that file since August. But this morning in the car I heard Rich and Kath's theme song on the radio not once but twice. "Here Without You" by 3 Doors Down. Amazing song. And perfect for them. Hearing that song made me realize that I have to write their story. It's going to take me three books, but I'm going to get it.
The other thing that may have helped this renewed sense of enthusiasm for my writing may be my decision to leave my chorus. Hopefully this total refocusing of creative energy will become part of my routine and one that I can sustain.
And it also paved the way to re-energize me for Red Rocks. I haven't even opened that file since August. But this morning in the car I heard Rich and Kath's theme song on the radio not once but twice. "Here Without You" by 3 Doors Down. Amazing song. And perfect for them. Hearing that song made me realize that I have to write their story. It's going to take me three books, but I'm going to get it.
The other thing that may have helped this renewed sense of enthusiasm for my writing may be my decision to leave my chorus. Hopefully this total refocusing of creative energy will become part of my routine and one that I can sustain.
Labels:
home life,
Human Dignity,
Red Rocks,
short fiction,
singing
Tuesday, October 21, 2003
Decisions
I'm thinking about dropping out of my Sweet Adelines Chorus. It's becoming more of a chore than anything (and one I pay $300 a year for in dues alone, not to mention gas to rehearsals, lodging for retreats and other trips, and buying sundries for costumes). The few people I really connect with in the chorus are so busy that they often aren't there the times that I am there. And I feel like the only reason I keep going is to support the chorus with my strong lead voice. A sense of obligation is not something to make for a fun time if that's the only reason you're there. We have a show coming up in about a month, so now the big decision is whether or not to stay in until after the show or drop out now. I'm tempted to do the latter, but I don't want to leave these women in the lurch.
It's sad for me to participate in a singing group that drains exponentially more than it adds to my life. I just can't keep doing it anymore. But I'm really going to try and make it work until the show. I owe them that much, and then I can go out with a bang as well. I'll have to get back into Sweet Adelines in Tucson. I should have the money for it then, and I'll hopefully have the time as well (or be more willing to make the time).
It's sad for me to participate in a singing group that drains exponentially more than it adds to my life. I just can't keep doing it anymore. But I'm really going to try and make it work until the show. I owe them that much, and then I can go out with a bang as well. I'll have to get back into Sweet Adelines in Tucson. I should have the money for it then, and I'll hopefully have the time as well (or be more willing to make the time).
Wednesday, July 02, 2003
More Late Night Inspiration
My brain has been so energized the last couple nights. After four hours of moving boxes and unpacking things and so on, I collapse into bed and the brain just goes bonkers. Last night, I was thinking about strings again. One thing I had wanted for the magic of this world was for it to have elemental parts to it. And strings can do that! With vibrations, wavelengths! And this gives me a good idea for the "cost" of the magic. Headaches, faintness, etc. And this also gives me the scientific opening I was needing for Airen and the potential to continue this as a series. I think, at least. This is going to be fun. Now, if only the plot would make itself more clear to me....
And I also got slammed with inspiration for a barbershop song. The chorus and tag just kind of wandered into my brain and kept singing itself over and over. So I had to go scratch down the words and plunk out the notes. At 11:30 last night (thank God for headphones). I don't know if I'll do anything more with a song (like, I dunno, come up with the rest of the chorus and a verse or two) because I know nothing about composition. I've heard a little bit about how the really important chords will be sevenths (or was it fifths?) and that the notes will do other things at other key times in the song. I would just compose it how I think it should sound without any real thought to what I was doing. But it was fun to give it a try for a couple bars. And I do have a complete tag, so maybe I'll show it to Sharon and see what she thinks. I was just thinking about how there's not a whole lot of those good tongue-in-cheek barbershop songs getting out there as much now (you know, like "Who's Sorry Now"). And then the tag jumped into my head.
Well, I never did claim to understand my muse.
And I also got slammed with inspiration for a barbershop song. The chorus and tag just kind of wandered into my brain and kept singing itself over and over. So I had to go scratch down the words and plunk out the notes. At 11:30 last night (thank God for headphones). I don't know if I'll do anything more with a song (like, I dunno, come up with the rest of the chorus and a verse or two) because I know nothing about composition. I've heard a little bit about how the really important chords will be sevenths (or was it fifths?) and that the notes will do other things at other key times in the song. I would just compose it how I think it should sound without any real thought to what I was doing. But it was fun to give it a try for a couple bars. And I do have a complete tag, so maybe I'll show it to Sharon and see what she thinks. I was just thinking about how there's not a whole lot of those good tongue-in-cheek barbershop songs getting out there as much now (you know, like "Who's Sorry Now"). And then the tag jumped into my head.
Well, I never did claim to understand my muse.
Tuesday, June 03, 2003
Technical Difficulties
Blogger was pissed yesterday (as was my work puter's server) and today I couldn't access the Internet for about six hours due to more issues with the work puters. I'm not a happy camper when it comes to technology right now. Why is it that we've come so far yet we have so many problems?
Anyway, didn't write today because of the technology issues and some other work things that must stay hush hush for now (but they're good things, mostly). My big news for today is that I dropped out of all my responsibilities for chorus last night. I've been juggling this idea since January, and I finally had to make the decision to either quit or just sing. I went with the just sing option. I realized that I've been trying to shift creative energy from my singing activities into my writing activities and it just wasn't working. So now I'll be able to completely focus my creativity on writing and figure out what I have left over for singing and THEN I'll know what responsibilities I can take on in that arena. I've been beating my head against this problem for six months now, wondering why I hated singing and writing often felt like pulling teeth. So I'm hoping that this will make the writing flow better and return my love of singing. We'll see.
And I still have much to say on my brother and the MRI. Guess we'll have to save that for tomorrow, depending on what the computers decide to do.
Anyway, didn't write today because of the technology issues and some other work things that must stay hush hush for now (but they're good things, mostly). My big news for today is that I dropped out of all my responsibilities for chorus last night. I've been juggling this idea since January, and I finally had to make the decision to either quit or just sing. I went with the just sing option. I realized that I've been trying to shift creative energy from my singing activities into my writing activities and it just wasn't working. So now I'll be able to completely focus my creativity on writing and figure out what I have left over for singing and THEN I'll know what responsibilities I can take on in that arena. I've been beating my head against this problem for six months now, wondering why I hated singing and writing often felt like pulling teeth. So I'm hoping that this will make the writing flow better and return my love of singing. We'll see.
And I still have much to say on my brother and the MRI. Guess we'll have to save that for tomorrow, depending on what the computers decide to do.
Sunday, June 01, 2003
Always Two More Chapters
Ok, I've been sitting around for the past week or so, thinking I only had two more chapters left to write and then Part 3 would be finis. Not quite. I just wrote two chapters today and discovered that I still have two more yet to go. But that's good. I needed the two chapters I wrote today to prep the climax a bit more. And seeing as how that this is the climax of the entire book, I guess more stuff preparing you for it doesn't hurt. So I wrote 2300 words today and may have a few more thousand in me depending on whether or not dinner recharges me. And whether or not I can forget about what I still have to do to prep for my little directing stint at tomorrow's rehearsal.
Still not in the mood to start thinking too deeply on everything that's happened this past two weeks. I think my brain's still digesting everything. Maybe later this week (which is turning out to be just as hectic as last week, it seems). One thing I do know for sure: if I don't finish Part 3 tonight, I'll definitely have it done by Tuesday.
Still not in the mood to start thinking too deeply on everything that's happened this past two weeks. I think my brain's still digesting everything. Maybe later this week (which is turning out to be just as hectic as last week, it seems). One thing I do know for sure: if I don't finish Part 3 tonight, I'll definitely have it done by Tuesday.
Tuesday, May 20, 2003
Positives
So even though yesterday didn't go so well, things are good. I suppose it's a good thing that I didn't do the MRI last night. Because then I would've heard the results by Friday. If they were bad, I wouldn't have been very good company for Beth's wedding this weekend. So now I'll be able to truly enjoy myself in Atlanta this weekend, and be happy for Beth and Tim.
Also, we've been getting more news about my brother's return, and it seems to be sooner rather than later. It's possible that my brother will be assigned to the troops that will escort their equipment home via ship, which would delay his return but also give us more time to prepare for his arrival. But right now, we're all starting to plan on his coming home within the next couple of weeks. We're arranging for rides or flights and hotel rooms, etc. And I think tonight I'll start making a big sign to wave around and really embarrass him when he gets off the plane. *VEG* Something using my "Baby Bro" nickname for him that he's never been overly fond of. :) And this flurry of email planning within my family as allowed me to start communicating with Brad's fiancee. So that's been nice.
And for my last positive, the Director's Workshop was great. Not only did I realize exactly why I often get frustrated with my chorus, but I also found out that the other key players in the chorus feel the same way and want to do something about it. And I was told by the directors of two very successful choruses that I have a lot of tenor (bright) quality to my lead (melody) voice. Nice to make that ego swell. Especially when it comes to my voice, something which was a bit trampled in my college singing experience.
So I may be a dizzy blonde with a lot of worrying now, but life is still good.
Also, we've been getting more news about my brother's return, and it seems to be sooner rather than later. It's possible that my brother will be assigned to the troops that will escort their equipment home via ship, which would delay his return but also give us more time to prepare for his arrival. But right now, we're all starting to plan on his coming home within the next couple of weeks. We're arranging for rides or flights and hotel rooms, etc. And I think tonight I'll start making a big sign to wave around and really embarrass him when he gets off the plane. *VEG* Something using my "Baby Bro" nickname for him that he's never been overly fond of. :) And this flurry of email planning within my family as allowed me to start communicating with Brad's fiancee. So that's been nice.
And for my last positive, the Director's Workshop was great. Not only did I realize exactly why I often get frustrated with my chorus, but I also found out that the other key players in the chorus feel the same way and want to do something about it. And I was told by the directors of two very successful choruses that I have a lot of tenor (bright) quality to my lead (melody) voice. Nice to make that ego swell. Especially when it comes to my voice, something which was a bit trampled in my college singing experience.
So I may be a dizzy blonde with a lot of worrying now, but life is still good.
Friday, May 16, 2003
WOW
The guy who loves to spout on science at Forward Motion finally carried it too far, got the attention of Holly, and got his ass banned. At first she just suspended his membership for a week because he had broken the "No Truth" rule (stating that you know the truth and everyone else is just misguided in matters that are more commonly recognized as personal opinion). He sent her a nasty little email and she had no issues with banning him. Go Holly! That jackass has been annoying everyone with his arrogant assumptions and pontificating for quite some time.
As for writing, I spent most of today trying to outline my romance novel that I'm hoping to write next. I was really hoping to write another scifi next, but I just can't seem to kickstart my muse on that idea. And that's going to be a darker novel and I don't feel like writing dark right now. Maybe I'll find a way to make it brighter, but I doubt it. The idea originated from one of the worst situations in my life dealing with people I had mistakenly trusted. I've been screwed over before, but this just shattered my life for a while. So I don't know if it's possible to make it a bright novel. Not if I remain true to its inspiration. So I'm writing a romance instead. And I'll be ready to start my fantasy trilogy sometime soon, as well. That'll be fun. Just need to let my brain finish kicking around cultural ideas and stuff.
I'm heading up to Cheyenne right after work for a Sweet Adelines director's workshop. I'm really looking forward to it. We've got three amazing women leading the sessions and I'll be attending with six other women from my chorus. I'm bringing the laptop just in case, but I doubt I'll have time. Afterall, I did get an hour or so of writing time during Competition. At any rate, I likely won't post again until Monday. Don't cry too hard, now. :)
As for writing, I spent most of today trying to outline my romance novel that I'm hoping to write next. I was really hoping to write another scifi next, but I just can't seem to kickstart my muse on that idea. And that's going to be a darker novel and I don't feel like writing dark right now. Maybe I'll find a way to make it brighter, but I doubt it. The idea originated from one of the worst situations in my life dealing with people I had mistakenly trusted. I've been screwed over before, but this just shattered my life for a while. So I don't know if it's possible to make it a bright novel. Not if I remain true to its inspiration. So I'm writing a romance instead. And I'll be ready to start my fantasy trilogy sometime soon, as well. That'll be fun. Just need to let my brain finish kicking around cultural ideas and stuff.
I'm heading up to Cheyenne right after work for a Sweet Adelines director's workshop. I'm really looking forward to it. We've got three amazing women leading the sessions and I'll be attending with six other women from my chorus. I'm bringing the laptop just in case, but I doubt I'll have time. Afterall, I did get an hour or so of writing time during Competition. At any rate, I likely won't post again until Monday. Don't cry too hard, now. :)
Tuesday, May 06, 2003
EEP!
huOk, so the doctor and the physical therapist are both concerned enough that they want me to do an MRI to rule out some serious brain issues. The doctor assured me that it's highly unlikely that I've got the kind of problem an MRI would reveal (brain tumor, brain stem lesions), but...something about hearing your doctor say, "This is just to rule out the kind of stuff that would make you just keel over and die at any second" just doesn't leave you with a positive feeling. And in less than two weeks, I'll get to find out if I'm clautrophobic. I've never had any indications of that in the past, but I've also never been confined to a tube only slightly larger than myself. Fun! And I get to pay $100 for the experience. Yippee-skippee. And tonight I start the PT that the therapist asked me to do daily to acclimatize me to the movements that really aggravate my dizziness. Joy of joys. The only good thing about this mess (other than it possibly resolving the annoying dizziness I've been dealing with for 6 years) is that I've been strongly encouraged to seek out regular massage therapy. The thinking is that the tension in my back and neck (which the therapist said was so bad it was like I've been in a major car accident or something recently) is not helping the parasympathic nerves and such in that region of my bod and likely contributing to the dizziness.
Moving on, I went to a chorus party last night. Had a blast. It reminded me why I am in the group and why I want to sing with these women and devote my time to the chorus. And it made me wonder that perhaps my problems with the chorus is more in my attitude about how I handle it than in their attitudes. It made me guilty, sad, and leery all at once. Guilty to think that I was giving these women far less credit than they deserve. Sad because I might have missed out on more companionship with these fabulous women because of my own issues. And leery because what if it's not just me and I'm going to be wanting to leave the chorus after a few months again. But it was a great party and I'm really looking forward to the Director's Workshop next weekend. And I also realized that when I become a full-time writer, I do want to be very involved in Sweet Adelines. I don't know if I ever want to be in charge of a chorus, but an assistant director spot in a small chorus might be nice. So I'm going to stick this thing through and work on improving my own attitude about Monday night rehearsals.
As for writing, I've been working on the synopsis for the Colorado Gold writing contests. The next scene in Chapter 4 requires a bit of heavy thinking and creativity that I'm just not up to today. And I want to get the synopsis done soon so I can get my entry into the judges before they hit the 200 entrants mark. It'll be a neat way to hone my ideas about Human Dignity and see where I have spots I need to trim or flesh out. I've already decided that my dream sequence is probably going to get the axe. Which is too bad. It's a really cool dream, but I only use it as a device in Part One, I don't think it'll work in the other parts. And I think Part One will be stronger without it.
Moving on, I went to a chorus party last night. Had a blast. It reminded me why I am in the group and why I want to sing with these women and devote my time to the chorus. And it made me wonder that perhaps my problems with the chorus is more in my attitude about how I handle it than in their attitudes. It made me guilty, sad, and leery all at once. Guilty to think that I was giving these women far less credit than they deserve. Sad because I might have missed out on more companionship with these fabulous women because of my own issues. And leery because what if it's not just me and I'm going to be wanting to leave the chorus after a few months again. But it was a great party and I'm really looking forward to the Director's Workshop next weekend. And I also realized that when I become a full-time writer, I do want to be very involved in Sweet Adelines. I don't know if I ever want to be in charge of a chorus, but an assistant director spot in a small chorus might be nice. So I'm going to stick this thing through and work on improving my own attitude about Monday night rehearsals.
As for writing, I've been working on the synopsis for the Colorado Gold writing contests. The next scene in Chapter 4 requires a bit of heavy thinking and creativity that I'm just not up to today. And I want to get the synopsis done soon so I can get my entry into the judges before they hit the 200 entrants mark. It'll be a neat way to hone my ideas about Human Dignity and see where I have spots I need to trim or flesh out. I've already decided that my dream sequence is probably going to get the axe. Which is too bad. It's a really cool dream, but I only use it as a device in Part One, I don't think it'll work in the other parts. And I think Part One will be stronger without it.
Monday, March 31, 2003
I'm BA-ACK! :) Competition itself went very well, the rest of weekend...well...that's a long story. My chorus improved 28 points from last year and were 2 points away from the 3rd place small chorus, and only 6 points away from the 2nd place small chorus. We've never ever gotten that close to placing before. It's very exciting. We might actually place next year (in the small chorus scoring, not the overall contest). And I didn't go to the Show of Champions again this year. I'm not all that upset about missing it (I'm upset about why I missed it, but that's the other story). The whole experience made me realize that perhaps I don't want to go hog-wild with this hobby and become a director and sing in a quartet and run for management team. Maybe I just want to sing. Who knows? Maybe that will change once I'm a full-time writer (I've stopped saying "if" in regards to this). But I'm still going to sing with my chorus and get what I can out of it.
The other story is that I will never again stay at another Sheraton hotel. And you shouldn't either. My roomie brought her dog into the room for the weekend. I was under the impression everything was on the up and up with that. After dinner on Saturday, I try to get into my room, but my card didn't work. Turns out they had cancelled our cards so we would have to go to the front desk. I wouldn't have minded except for the fact that I had to get all the heat from the pissed off manager about my roomie's dog (which apparently wasn't allowed in the room). He said that he'd had complaints of barking and that he had sent security to investigate. Even after I told him it wasn't my dog, this manager was still reading me the riot act. So I went back to my room, only to discover that someone had eaten pizza on my bed. Toppings and crumbs and grease stains all over my turned-down sheets. My roomie hadn't done it (and I know because she wasn't in the room alone with pizza during the time it happened). So I called the front desk and talked to the same manager. He obviously didn't believe me and thought I was making up some bogus claim in retaliation, but he sent security down anyway. The security guy put a card reader in the slot and determined that only guests had been in the room (even though the reader indicated times that my roomie and myself were physically nowhere near the room). The manager then calls me back to tell me that, as far as he was concerned, the room was secure because only my roomie, me, and himself had been in the room. Himself? He had told me security was sent to the room, not that he went to the room. The manager offerred me nothing - not even to get the sheets changed. I was pissed. After fuming, I went down to the front desk and asked for a new room. He said they were booked and he couldn't give me a new room. So I checked out (and had to pay for two nights, too, bastards). Meanwhile we find out that the manager had NOT used an employee card to access the room, but rather a card that came up as a guest card. Also, their precious security reader computer was twenty minutes behind on its clock. And to top it all off, on the one night I did sleep in the room, two spiders decided to feast on me (OK, two distinct bitemarks isn't a feast, but it's still gross). So, tomorrow I will write scathing letters to the hotel and the women in charge of booking hotels for competition. Why not today? I still have ten hours to write 2500 words to complete the March dare. And I've already wasted too much time today getting caught up.
The other story is that I will never again stay at another Sheraton hotel. And you shouldn't either. My roomie brought her dog into the room for the weekend. I was under the impression everything was on the up and up with that. After dinner on Saturday, I try to get into my room, but my card didn't work. Turns out they had cancelled our cards so we would have to go to the front desk. I wouldn't have minded except for the fact that I had to get all the heat from the pissed off manager about my roomie's dog (which apparently wasn't allowed in the room). He said that he'd had complaints of barking and that he had sent security to investigate. Even after I told him it wasn't my dog, this manager was still reading me the riot act. So I went back to my room, only to discover that someone had eaten pizza on my bed. Toppings and crumbs and grease stains all over my turned-down sheets. My roomie hadn't done it (and I know because she wasn't in the room alone with pizza during the time it happened). So I called the front desk and talked to the same manager. He obviously didn't believe me and thought I was making up some bogus claim in retaliation, but he sent security down anyway. The security guy put a card reader in the slot and determined that only guests had been in the room (even though the reader indicated times that my roomie and myself were physically nowhere near the room). The manager then calls me back to tell me that, as far as he was concerned, the room was secure because only my roomie, me, and himself had been in the room. Himself? He had told me security was sent to the room, not that he went to the room. The manager offerred me nothing - not even to get the sheets changed. I was pissed. After fuming, I went down to the front desk and asked for a new room. He said they were booked and he couldn't give me a new room. So I checked out (and had to pay for two nights, too, bastards). Meanwhile we find out that the manager had NOT used an employee card to access the room, but rather a card that came up as a guest card. Also, their precious security reader computer was twenty minutes behind on its clock. And to top it all off, on the one night I did sleep in the room, two spiders decided to feast on me (OK, two distinct bitemarks isn't a feast, but it's still gross). So, tomorrow I will write scathing letters to the hotel and the women in charge of booking hotels for competition. Why not today? I still have ten hours to write 2500 words to complete the March dare. And I've already wasted too much time today getting caught up.
Saturday, March 15, 2003
OK, done with the competition stuff. Took a while. Between making the copies this morning and putting together the folders, I think I spent at least four hours on this stuff. Not what I had wanted to do today, but it is done. Now I can get back to writing. And no matter what, this weekend wasn't a total wash for writing. I did write about 1000 words last night for a scene that I think will be one the first in the fantasy trilogy I'm still fleshing out. OK. Going to grab a snack and then get to work on Part Two.
Well, I didn't do the competition stuff yesterday. So I'm doing it today. And thus cutting into my writing time. But it will be nice to just get this done. Plus the weather is so beautiful that to stay chained to my computer would just be cruel and unusual. I'm looking forward to having that laptop so I can go wherever the spirit moves me during nicer weather. That'll be nice. But today I indulged in one of my sunny, warm weather faves - driving with the windows down and the stereo blasting bright music. One of the radio stations in town had it figured out today and was actually playing tons of summer songs. It was just heavenly. One day I'd like to go horseback riding in this kind of weather. To see if it can compare to the sense of freedom and joy that driving fast (but not too fast, of course) on a beautiful day with great music does. And now Fleetwood Mac's Greatest Hits is blaring through the apartment, the balcony doors flung open, and that's where I'll be doing my competition stuff.
Friday, March 14, 2003
Very tired. I have to do stuff for competition today, but I really don't want to. In fact, I'd rather be at home so I can take a nap, read a little (I actually think I'm capable of putting Sheila's book down after only reading a chapter or two...or four now) and then write. This weekend is another marathon and I'd really like to crank out at least 5000 words (that's about 20-25 pages). Maybe I'll get inspired and steamroll through the remainder of Part Two. That would be nice.
Last night we went to a reception for SUNY Buffalo Honor Program alums here in town. It was very small and very cozy. And Mark really enjoyed it, which was nice. And, of course, I had to answer the "Where are you from?" question several times. I've settled on the "I'm a military brat, so I'm not really from anywhere, but I've lived everywhere" kind of response. And if people want to hear more, they ask. If they don't, they smile and move on to some other bit of conversation. Makes my life easier. And their's, too, I imagine. :)
Last night we went to a reception for SUNY Buffalo Honor Program alums here in town. It was very small and very cozy. And Mark really enjoyed it, which was nice. And, of course, I had to answer the "Where are you from?" question several times. I've settled on the "I'm a military brat, so I'm not really from anywhere, but I've lived everywhere" kind of response. And if people want to hear more, they ask. If they don't, they smile and move on to some other bit of conversation. Makes my life easier. And their's, too, I imagine. :)
Monday, March 10, 2003
I've really gotta start making entries on the weekend. Maybe that will help me write on the weekends, too. Yes, that means I didn't write this weekend. I had every intention of doing so on Saturday, but Sheila really writes some damn good books and I was, erm, forced to spend the whole day reading them. I don't think I've ever read through 350+ page book all in one day. But I did. I only took breaks to do the laundry. The only thing that's kept me from reading the second book in that series is that I've been freakishly busy today and I'm ready for a nap. So if I don't finish my novel before the summer, it's all Sheila's fault. : )
On the singing front, we had a spring fling concert yesterday. My chorus, another chorus, and five quartets had a chance to do their competition songs. It was actually a lot of fun. It felt good performing our songs for an audience. They got a real big kick out of the choreography that Susie and I put together what seems like ages ago. I'm excited for competition, but still thinking about setting this hobby aside for a bit, or just really toning it down. We'll see. I need to figure out what things are going to be like after competition.
On the singing front, we had a spring fling concert yesterday. My chorus, another chorus, and five quartets had a chance to do their competition songs. It was actually a lot of fun. It felt good performing our songs for an audience. They got a real big kick out of the choreography that Susie and I put together what seems like ages ago. I'm excited for competition, but still thinking about setting this hobby aside for a bit, or just really toning it down. We'll see. I need to figure out what things are going to be like after competition.
Tuesday, March 04, 2003
Kellie the Ruthless Fairhair: Well, that's a mesh of the two viking names I was given this morning. Kellie Fairhair and Kellie the Ruthless. I like the combination of the two. It might not be truly a viking name anymore, but it works for me!
Chorus rehearsal was great last night! Sharon was back, we had a guest director, everyone paid attention and focused. It was so nice to have a good night. I'm actually looking forward to competition now. And it encourages me for afterwards, too. But I still need to chat with Sharon and Edie about my directing responsibilities. I think I either need to cut back or just get more regular "lessons" from Sharon or Edie. At any rate, what's happening with directing now is not working.
Random Link of the Day: While researching cat declawing procedures, I came across a site that finally outlined all the procedures available and the pros & cons. All in a fairly objective manner. I was impressed.
Chorus rehearsal was great last night! Sharon was back, we had a guest director, everyone paid attention and focused. It was so nice to have a good night. I'm actually looking forward to competition now. And it encourages me for afterwards, too. But I still need to chat with Sharon and Edie about my directing responsibilities. I think I either need to cut back or just get more regular "lessons" from Sharon or Edie. At any rate, what's happening with directing now is not working.
Random Link of the Day: While researching cat declawing procedures, I came across a site that finally outlined all the procedures available and the pros & cons. All in a fairly objective manner. I was impressed.
Tuesday, February 25, 2003
Ick. After finishing Chapter 5, the rest of yesterday pretty much went into a downward spiral. A co-worker thought I was being serious about someting when it was pretty obvious I was joking. So my joking reply made it back to a bigwig here. Thank God these people have the ability to laugh non-maliciously at themselves and others. All is well now, but this co-worker knows me pretty well and I was surprised to see such a stunning Blonde Moment from him.
And then I went home and found out our friend needed to crash at our place because the pipes froze and broke in his apartment. Not a problem. Mark and I are both happy to help him out. But it meant that I had even less quality time alone with Mark than I usually do on Mondays. Which ended up being a really Big Problem due to what happpened at my chorus rehearsal last night.
Our director is off training other directors and singers in Australia last week and this week (I know, cry her a river). This means that our assistant director is in charge, with me filling in a little here and there to pick up some of the slack. Last week, Edie gave me a couple hours advance notice of what she wanted me to do. She gave me two minutes notice yesterday. And that was after I had tried to clear up a confusion about the choreography that really perturbed me. So the ten minutes I spent in the car on my way to practice trying to put myself in a better spot for rehearsal had already been tested and found lacking. I tried to keep at it as I prepared for what I had suddenly found out were my duties for the evening. I thought I had managed it enough to survive. I was wrong. As soon as I step up to direct, Edie tells me to work on this for the chorus. I take it in stride and follow her instructions. As I'm directing, Edie comes up behind me, firmly puts her hand on my shoulders to prevent me from moving with the beat, and tells me to stop bouncing. Meanwhile my whole face is to the chorus and I have to find someway to hide the frustration and anger that I feel after this remark. I have no idea if I succeeded. So we finish a once through of the song. And I start to go over why we had taken it very slowly and figure out what we need to work on when everyone sort of bombards me with their opinions, questions, suggestions, corrections. Edie thrusts music in my face to show me what I had missed in my direction. It was just too much.
And to top it all off, my brain chose at that particular moment to really get upset that my mother had not given me my brother's new address yet. I know that this shouldn't surprise me anymore. My mother doesn't do anything like this on purpose. But I have no idea how she was able to send out an email with my brother's new info to everybody but me. And once I made her aware of this fact, she felt awful and told me she send it out right away to me. But she hasn't. And that fact combined with everyone criticizing me, telling me what to do instead, what I'm doing wrong - or just in general not allowing me to have any authority as a director - I just lost it. I left the room in tears and found a quiet spot in the bathroom so I could be upset for a while. In a group like that, there's usually at least two or three people who come after you after a few moments to see if you're OK. About five minutes go by before Edie comes. And, quite frankly, I didn't want to see her then. She felt bad that she might have caused me to be upset. I told her it wasn't just her. And she understood. And then I just started talking about how I really wasn't having fun with our chorus anymore, that I would rather have spent this particular Monday night with Mark and my writing. She said that she could tell I wasn't having fun (this, believe it or not, did not make me feel better), and that everyone has different priorities or something. I just got the feeling that she was telling me I should quit or take a leave of absence. This made me even more upset, because then I started to wonder just how badly I was performing in my duties for the chorus. I found a way to make it through the rest of the night at rehearsal (without directing, thank God). And I must have done a damn fine job of putting on a happy face because no one, no one, came up to me afterward to ask if I was OK, if everything was alright, etc. No one. Usually at least five people swarm you at the end of rehearsal to see if you're OK. But I was summarily ignored. And then I had to go home, knowing our friend was there, and that I just didn't feel comfortable sobbing into Mark's shoulder while we had a guest. So I had to put on another happy face. And that one must have been damn good, too, because Mark didn't catch on that I was upset at all.
Last night was just awful. And I couldn't even lean on Mark without feeling worse for doing so in front of our guest. I'm tired. I want to go home and go to bed. I don't want to go to the all day rehearsal on Saturday. I want to move beyond this ickiness and write. But I just don't see how I can do it.
And then I went home and found out our friend needed to crash at our place because the pipes froze and broke in his apartment. Not a problem. Mark and I are both happy to help him out. But it meant that I had even less quality time alone with Mark than I usually do on Mondays. Which ended up being a really Big Problem due to what happpened at my chorus rehearsal last night.
Our director is off training other directors and singers in Australia last week and this week (I know, cry her a river). This means that our assistant director is in charge, with me filling in a little here and there to pick up some of the slack. Last week, Edie gave me a couple hours advance notice of what she wanted me to do. She gave me two minutes notice yesterday. And that was after I had tried to clear up a confusion about the choreography that really perturbed me. So the ten minutes I spent in the car on my way to practice trying to put myself in a better spot for rehearsal had already been tested and found lacking. I tried to keep at it as I prepared for what I had suddenly found out were my duties for the evening. I thought I had managed it enough to survive. I was wrong. As soon as I step up to direct, Edie tells me to work on this for the chorus. I take it in stride and follow her instructions. As I'm directing, Edie comes up behind me, firmly puts her hand on my shoulders to prevent me from moving with the beat, and tells me to stop bouncing. Meanwhile my whole face is to the chorus and I have to find someway to hide the frustration and anger that I feel after this remark. I have no idea if I succeeded. So we finish a once through of the song. And I start to go over why we had taken it very slowly and figure out what we need to work on when everyone sort of bombards me with their opinions, questions, suggestions, corrections. Edie thrusts music in my face to show me what I had missed in my direction. It was just too much.
And to top it all off, my brain chose at that particular moment to really get upset that my mother had not given me my brother's new address yet. I know that this shouldn't surprise me anymore. My mother doesn't do anything like this on purpose. But I have no idea how she was able to send out an email with my brother's new info to everybody but me. And once I made her aware of this fact, she felt awful and told me she send it out right away to me. But she hasn't. And that fact combined with everyone criticizing me, telling me what to do instead, what I'm doing wrong - or just in general not allowing me to have any authority as a director - I just lost it. I left the room in tears and found a quiet spot in the bathroom so I could be upset for a while. In a group like that, there's usually at least two or three people who come after you after a few moments to see if you're OK. About five minutes go by before Edie comes. And, quite frankly, I didn't want to see her then. She felt bad that she might have caused me to be upset. I told her it wasn't just her. And she understood. And then I just started talking about how I really wasn't having fun with our chorus anymore, that I would rather have spent this particular Monday night with Mark and my writing. She said that she could tell I wasn't having fun (this, believe it or not, did not make me feel better), and that everyone has different priorities or something. I just got the feeling that she was telling me I should quit or take a leave of absence. This made me even more upset, because then I started to wonder just how badly I was performing in my duties for the chorus. I found a way to make it through the rest of the night at rehearsal (without directing, thank God). And I must have done a damn fine job of putting on a happy face because no one, no one, came up to me afterward to ask if I was OK, if everything was alright, etc. No one. Usually at least five people swarm you at the end of rehearsal to see if you're OK. But I was summarily ignored. And then I had to go home, knowing our friend was there, and that I just didn't feel comfortable sobbing into Mark's shoulder while we had a guest. So I had to put on another happy face. And that one must have been damn good, too, because Mark didn't catch on that I was upset at all.
Last night was just awful. And I couldn't even lean on Mark without feeling worse for doing so in front of our guest. I'm tired. I want to go home and go to bed. I don't want to go to the all day rehearsal on Saturday. I want to move beyond this ickiness and write. But I just don't see how I can do it.
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