Friday, February 28, 2003

There just seems to be conflict and debate everywhere today. At Forward Motion, at Melanie Rawn, even through email with my chorus. I just don't feel like dealing with it today. Because when I see conflict - at least of a logical or semantic nature - I tend to jump in head first and swim to the bottom. And I get consumed by it, frustrated, obsessed, whatever. Times like that is when my brain decides to start questioning everything. "What are you doing with your life? Where are you going? What will the future bring? What can you do today to know what's going to happen tomorrow? What if the future is bad? What if it's good? What are you going to do with yourself then?" And it just goes on and on. I never really know how to stop this. I usually just go a little nuts for a night or two and then the original source of the conflict dissipates and my brain doesn't have the ignition material it did before and everything settles. But it seems like I've been riding one wave of conflict right after another. And I just don't have the energy for it. I'm seriously thinking about just doing nothing this weekend. Not the all day rehearsal, not the marathon. Nothing. Just giving myself a weekend to read a book, stare at the TV, do mundane chores, anything that doesn't involve a whole heck of a lot of reasoning or patience. Because I feel like I'm running short on both. My brain just needs a break. It doesn't have to keep racing toward some unseen finish line that is always just out of reach. Maybe if I stop mentally running a marathon (see, Mark, I don't hate all types of long-distance running, just the physical kind) then I'll be able to stop the heavy thinking cycle. At least for now.

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