Thursday, November 23, 2006

Turkey Day Conspiracy in the Making

TURKEY EXPERT: (sing-song) Turkey Hotline. What is the nature of your turkey emergency?

UNKNOWN MALE VOICE: (with perfect enunciation) I require clarification. Does one place the bread mixture inside the turkey cavity or bake it outside of the turkey?

TURKEY EXPERT: Bread mixture? Oh, stuffing. (brightly) That depends on your preference, sir. Stuffing cooked inside the turkey is generally more--

UNKNOWN MALE VOICE: Preference is not the issue. What is standard for the inhabitants of this planet?


UNKNOWN MALE VOICE: I did not mean to say planet. (forced laughter) Please forgive me, I meant to say region. My place of origin is not this (pauses) country.

TURKEY EXPERT: I understand. What's your location?


TURKEY EXPERT: (typing) According to our most recent survey, four out of five people in that area prefer to cook the stuffing inside of the turkey.

UNKNOWN MALE VOICE: (softly, as if talking away from mouthpiece) Marvelous. My larvae will survive.

TURKEY EXPERT: I'm sorry, sir. Could you repeat that?

UNKNOWN MALE VOICE: It is of no concern to you. Will you list the standard side dishes for this region, please?

TURKEY EXPERT: It varies even within regions, sir. Maybe if you told me who you're cooking for...? Co-workers? Friends?

UNKNOWN MALE VOICE: I am cooking for several members of your government.

TURKEY EXPERT: Democrat or Republican?

UNKNOWN MALE VOICE: I am uncertain. They are good friends of your current president.

TURKEY EXPERT: Republican, most likely. You'll want the most traditional dishes, then: Mashed potatoes with gravy, cranberry sauce, green bean casserole, sweet potato casserole, and rolls. And make sure you have pumpkin and pecan pie for dessert.

UNKNOWN MALE VOICE: That is a perfect menu for incubation. My superiors will be most pleased.

TURKEY EXPERT: Incubation? Do you mean a nap, sir?

UNKNOWN MALE VOICE: A temporary deep sleep is required, yes.

TURKEY EXPERT: (uncertainly) Is there anything else I can help you with, sir?

UNKNOWN MALE VOICE: No, thank you. You have been most helpful. I will be sure to inform the invasion force to spare you.

TURKEY EXPERT: (angrily) Is the looney bin not manning the phones? Crank call. (hangs up)

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