Thursday, April 10, 2003

Slowly Going Crazy: I'm feeling the weight of too much today. I've taken a lot of stuff way too seriously and way too personally. And it's driving me more than a little batty. I thought I had faced this demon this weekend and moved on. But apparently I haven't. There's always the everpresent War Worry (where's my brother? is he safe? when will he be home? how many times has he had to use his weapon? what is that doing to him?). Add on empathy for a truly shat-upon coworker, desperation for closure on the silly Sheraton Hotel business (the manager's investigation did nothing more than give the same ol' shit I got when I checked out), recovery from a couple months of wondering if I would ever get back on a career track that I loved and was good at, and the need to be in certain people's good graces and suspecting I'm not - and I'm just feeling smothered. Pushed down to the point where I feel the pounds of unseen worries and concerns grinding me even further into the ground as I struggle to keep crawling to the next day. Being steamrolled is never fun. Realizing that I gave the keys to the guy driving the steamroller and then laid down in the street for him only exponentially increases the level of not-funness.

Now I have to figure out how to pick up the pancake that is myself and fix me - all while moving forward with my life, of course. I've discovered a few of the problems, so I at least know what I'm dealing with to some degree. And I've attempted to address at least one of those issues (a result of the Shit-a-ton Hotel experience was that I realized some of my friends weren't really friends; so I'm trying to reconnect with the friends I know are friends and try to get to know some friendly acquaintances better). I've already known that my feelings about seriously considering writing as a career will adjust as soon as I have a completed draft to work with, so that's just a matter of time and persistance and patience (the latter two are somewhat difficult to come by). As for the good opinion of others that I don't really know but feel some need of approval from, I've tried a few things. I've tried ignoring it. I've tried reassuring myself. I've tried just ranting about it to get it all out of my system. And it's seriously not working. I've got a few other ideas, but until I really know my motives for it, I don't want to attempt anything. As for the empathy, I've never found a way to stop this. I try to feel the pain of others way too much. I'm always trying to take some of their burden away by putting it on my shoulders. While this can be a good thing, it's very hindering sometimes. And the war...well...I spent a good chunk of yesterday figuring out what discount air lines fly into San Diego and comparing prices so I could plan on being at the dock when my brother gets back. Even if he left today, though, it would be at least a month before he got back, if not six weeks. And I want him home now.

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