Saturday, June 07, 2003

Today's the Day

Or at least it better be. I've done the errands, cleaned the house, wasted some time watching all those cool Discovery Channel shows (inlcuding Unsolved History - totally something to watch for ideas on worldbuilding). Now it's time to write. I'll take a break for dinner. But that's it. I definately want to write one chapter tonight, if not both of the last two. I want tomorrow to be dedicated to mapping out my next two projects. I asked about revising and starting new projects at the same time at Think Tank last night, and I was told by all to put it away for at least a week, if not longer. Put some distance between me and the writing. I hadn't thought about that before. But it's sage advice and something I often tell myself regarding other projects. So that might push back my original idea of getting Human Dignity finished by the beginning of July. We'll have to see. And I was going to play around with my map for my fantasy world so I could get it the way I wanted and also do some more worldbuilding, but our scanner has some disagreements with Windows XP, apparently.

So this is the sort of entry where I go off on something for a bit, to loosen up the fingers and mind. And my mind's just not with it. I could talk about my MRI. I could talk about my brother. And as soon as I ask my brain to do that, I get this, "Aw, c'mon. Do we have to?" and a yawn. That's sort of been the response all week when it comes to writing. I suppose I should just force myself past it and hope that the quality of my writing tonight isn't total crapola. OK, I'll try it out here first. I guess I'll talk about the MRI.

I took the Adavant, and it did chill me. I thought it would eventually zonk me out, but it didn't. I just felt like I couldn't be bothered to get worked up about anything. I suppose the drug just really killed my need for control and understanding of every detail and boosted my often overlooked "it's someone else's job, they can deal with it" sense. I knew the drug was working when we had to sign in at 6:30 AM with this receptionist who clearly wasn't having a good morning. She asked us to pay $100 even after we told her that this was a recalled appointment and we had been told we didn't have to pay again. She said that it wasn't written anywhere in the record, so how was she supposed to know we weren't just trying to get a free ride. This naturally pissed us off. When it became obvious that we were going to have to pay, Mark tossed his card on the counter. The woman got all pissy and said something like, "Excuse me?! Don't throw your card at me!" Completely over-reacting. I stepped in to be the mediator. All half-baked "Hey, man, it's early and we're all tired" crap that you see stoned folks say in movies. Then she goes off to call someone. We figured that she was trying to call the MRI clinic to check out our "story." Nope. She was calling security. The guard didn't do anything, just made his obvious presence known at the far end of the counter as the woman came back and proceeded to charge us. I had to force out of her what we were supposed to do to get the money refunded. Usually something like this would've just irked me to no end and I would've been talking big about filing a complaint and speaking with her manager. Nope. Adavant's some good shit.

Then I have to put on the requisite hospital gown. I was allowed to keep my pants on, but everything else had to go. Including my glasses. I didn't care. They also put a strange slotted cover over my face. It actually gave the illusion of a bigger space in the MRI tube. I found myself studying the effect by trying to focus on the mask in different ways. It was all very scientific. I would imagine this is how Denise feels at a certain point in Part One. Must be sure to revise that section with this experience in mind. When the scans were going on, the machine made all sorts of wierd sounds in strange patterns. I kept trying to find the beats the different scans made. And I kept bouncing my feet to them, making up some kind of song in my head. It was rather entertaining. Didn't feel stressed, it didn't seem to take that long. It was a pleasant experience. I really like Adavant.

Afterwards, we had to wait for a few minutes while they printed off the images. Seeing my brain on X-ray-like film was an experience. It kept me amused while Mark had to deal with the afore-mentioned counter bitch to get our refund. Then we drove to the airport and had a late breakfast. I took a dramamine, got on the plane. I fully expected I would pass out while waiting for my flight. But I was actually really alert and awake. Spent most of the flight looking out the window and watching the amazing Arizona and California desert. But that starts another story.

The Monday after I got back, I found out that my MRI was completely normal. Good news with an edge. It's good news because a tumor or even the spine trying to pinch of my spinal chord would've been a bad thing. But it's got an edge because now we still don't know what causing this damn dizziness, which mercifully has subsided quite a bit this week. So I'm going to keep trying the physical therapy (well, technically I need to start it), get some massage therapy going and just in general try to take it easy on myself. If after another month or two, it's still a big issue, then we'll see about sending me to an ENT (ear, nose, throat - not Treebeard). Now I need to get serious about doing everything I need to do to take care of myself. And that's where I've always fumbled the ball. I don't know if it's a lack of patience, laziness, or a motivation problem. Or something else. But I need to get around it. I need to get a schedule together and really stick with it. That will go a long way toward helping, I think.

Now, on to writing.

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