Friday, March 07, 2003

I really freaked out last night when Bush's press conference came on. I thought for sure we were going to hear the "go" order for the war. Up until that point, it didn't seem real that my brother was on a boat, anchored in the Persian Gulf. But the reality smacked me in the face last night. The realization that my brother has a gun (and will very likely need to use it on another human being) just sprang to life. I never had to think about my father's job in those terms. I wasn't prepared for the pain and grief and fright. I know this is what my brother's been trained to do. And from what he's told me, he's also found a way to deal with the consequences of his bullets. But it still tears me to pieces. My brother's life will be directly threatened just as he will directly threaten the lives of Iraqi soldiers. And the full knowledge of that situation is just too much. I never had to think of the military in those terms - I purposefully didn't let myself think of it in that way. It made it easier to support what my dad did and what everybody else I encountered in the military did. It's a terrible necessity in this world at the moment and I support every last member of the armed forces. It was just so much easier to remove myself from that necessity when I could reason that my father wasn't anywhere near the front lines of any skirmish. I never had to think about what the front lines truly meant. And I really didn't want to. I've found some way to deal with it today, but it's made me a bit of a space cadet. I've forgotten to do a couple things - they took care of themselves and there wasn't a problem. But still. I hate it when I do stuff like that.

Part of why I've been a space cadet is that I've been doing a lot of "play" stuff this morning as a way to keep my mind off other things. I've officially joined a crit circle at Forward Motion. And I posted another chapter of Part 2 there. Between today and tomorrow, I hope to finish Chapter 7. And then next weekend is another marathon. I really think I can finish Part 2 by mid April. That would be nice.

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